It feels like a gaping hole inside. Starting small it seem to be only growing over time, however slowly.
It's easy to ignore its existence being busy with trivial everyday routine, push aside vague discomfort of something missing, blaming it on fatigue, lack of time or any other number of things.
Sooner or later it'll make itself known, the reality to be accounted for and the issue to be addressed.
It starts to gnaw at you subtly. The dark seeds of uncertainty begin to grow at first giving just a mild discomfort.
Like a cautious disease it hides inside preparing for the silent coup that will dare to challenge your whole being.
It begin by surfacing occasionally during sleepless nights posing strange questions and encamping doubts where they have no place to be. It proceeds then to visit on a regular basis, carefully picking the days and catching you of guard so often that it surprising how the signs of the approach can be missed so notoriously easily.
Learning to deal with it requires inventive imagination, wide arsenal of counter-measures capable of deflecting the initial impact if not remedying it in a long run. Curiosity may aid to this constant search.
You may try to fill it in with plans, ideas, people; rekindle the spark to lighten up frightening abyss beyond. Some will come and go fulfilling the task for each given time, some will stay longer to help build bridges to cross to the other side. Some stay even longer eventually becoming an undistinguishable part of you that provides that solid ground in times of absolute darkness when all hopes seem to be evaporating into thin air grinding on your psyche with persistent deliberation. They might become your salvation when nothing else is there to help, something you are willing to run to on the edge of the gaping hole that is eager for your final mistake, winking in carnivorous anticipation of yet another victim.
All the illusions of stability shattered, life is just an ever-changing mosaic of days and events ready in turns to be your safety net or a downfall.
Understanding the implications can be frustrating like trying to find a path in the night forest. Immersing yourself in the unknown is dangerously thrilling. This is the stage when the surrounding fails to distract and you are forced to navigate dark waters of your inner self to whatever end.
Comings and goings are exhausting with longer recovery time and dwindling hopes that the void will ever shrink or leave you alone.
On the contrary, it keeps growing like a hungry monster preparing for the final kill.
The implosion feels inevitable at this point when despair and resolution to win endlessly crossing swards in futile attempt to annihilate one another.
Keeping the fire going you throw anything you can find on it: time, people, relationships...
If the light is gone, so will you, at least in this reality.
I wish the illusive balance was attainable for longer than a moment and contentment could be achieved without constant battle for the space and air to breathe.
I wish there were answers to all the whys and meaning to things one day become crystal clear.