Thursday, June 19, 2014

Desire



Passing youth is knocking on the door with loud insistence of speeding express, with familiar tunes, flashing memories and all the energy it can summon.
The hurricane is here, door opens and I am swept away.
It's surreal and touching.
Still, I am standing behind the glass, watching and listening, unable to enter. One careless movement and it all will disappear, swallowed by the time ripples.
Experience is breathtaking and excruciating.
The vibe is so overwhelming that suddenly you are at loss which reality matters more.
Current surroundings are just a dream... Has it all been just a dream when your heart is racing, aching for reunion with the past with desperate intensity of a last chance, slipping away into another time pocket.
When the wind rattles your whole being and inevitable storm is raging around, life behind the glass is all that matters and counts...
Brighter than the stars, memories are cutting through the time and space, setting you free to spin in the wind.
And for a moment I am lost in the middle of speeding away turbulent current, clueless and directionless, like coming from the deep sleep and not knowing who I am.
Begging not to be left behind, trying to catch the ride on the last boat.
Just let me glide through the storm one more time.
Let me inside, in the room full of lights.
Let me live and breathe inside the time capsule bound to roll away into eternity...


Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Frame



Rain is sliding lazily from the leaves, drop by drop.
Multicolored hydrangeas, wet and disheveled never looked more beautiful on the background of the silver-tinted skies.
Torn clouds keep crying away, tragic and lost, looking down on scenery underneath, wishing to stay and rest on the top of trees or soft, tangled grass, watching the day go by.
Silence is only disturbed by the  murmuring water, pouring through the green.
Cool moist air fills lungs with unusual freshness that'll soon disappear into the real summer heat, eaten by the ever-hungry sun.
Light drizzle is stretching an invisible net, layer by layer, assembling little shiny purls strung together on the web lines, forcing spiders into hiding.
Sounds are softened, subdued, cushioned cosily into a mellow cotton ball world, existing only for a moment in June.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Void

It feels like a gaping hole inside. Starting small it seem to be only growing over time, however slowly.
It's easy to ignore its existence being busy with trivial everyday routine, push aside vague discomfort of something missing, blaming it on fatigue, lack of time or any other number of things. 
Sooner or later it'll make itself known, the reality to be accounted for and the issue to be addressed. 

It starts to gnaw at you subtly. The dark seeds of uncertainty begin to grow at first giving just a mild discomfort.
Like a cautious disease it hides inside preparing for the silent coup that will dare to challenge your whole being. 
It begin by surfacing occasionally during sleepless nights posing strange questions and encamping doubts where they have no place to be. It proceeds then to visit on a regular basis, carefully picking the days and catching you of guard so often that it surprising how the signs of the approach can be missed so notoriously easily. 
Learning to deal with it requires inventive imagination, wide arsenal of counter-measures capable of deflecting the initial impact if not remedying it in a long run. Curiosity may aid to this constant search.
You may try to fill it in with  plans, ideas, people; rekindle the spark to lighten up frightening abyss beyond. Some will come and go fulfilling the task for each given time, some will stay longer to help build bridges to cross to the other side. Some stay even longer eventually becoming an undistinguishable part of you that provides that solid ground in times of absolute darkness when all hopes seem to be evaporating into thin air grinding on your psyche with persistent deliberation. They might become your salvation when nothing else is there to help, something you are willing to run to on the edge of the gaping hole that is eager for your final mistake, winking in carnivorous anticipation of yet another victim.

All the illusions of stability shattered, life is just an ever-changing mosaic of days and events ready in turns to be your safety net or a downfall. 

Understanding the implications can be frustrating like trying to find a path in the night forest. Immersing yourself in the unknown is dangerously thrilling. This is the stage when the surrounding fails to distract and you are forced to navigate dark waters of your inner self to whatever end. 

Comings and goings are exhausting with longer recovery time and dwindling hopes that the void will ever shrink or leave you alone.
On the contrary, it keeps growing like a hungry monster preparing for the final kill. 
The implosion feels inevitable at this point when despair and resolution to win endlessly crossing swards in futile attempt to annihilate one another. 
  
Keeping the fire going you throw anything you can find on it: time, people, relationships...
If the light is gone, so will you, at least in this reality.

I wish the illusive balance was attainable for longer than a moment and contentment could be achieved without constant battle for the space and air to breathe. 

I wish there were answers to all the whys and meaning to things one day become crystal clear. 

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Vanishing world

I am mesmerized by the world I haven't seen yet. 
I caught a glimpse of it, reluctant or insecure to touch the surface fearing to distort the picture. 

I could still find the traces of illusion that it's become.
Reality inevitably escapes into memory pockets remaining real just to some concerned, myth to newcomers to slowly vanish with coming years replaced by shifting plates of time, events and people.

I wish I could float in time, back and forth. The most incredible travel imaginable. 

All the loose ends connected, all the facets in place, beginnings and endings interlocking, in perfect harmony that allows finally see the escaping reasoning from all the angles, without shadows, with nothing hidden, unveiling meanings in most unexpected places wise in their simplicity that doesn't any more elude the eye.